


change us new

by irrationalqueer



Series: advent 2020 [3]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Angst, F/F, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:01:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27858758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irrationalqueer/pseuds/irrationalqueer
Summary: Dani’s been laying here for a while, staring up at the glow in the dark star stickers on Fiona’s ceiling.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Series: advent 2020 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2035507
Comments: 16
Kudos: 20





	change us new

Fiona’s asleep already. She's kind of like a guy that way - passes out immediately after sex or as soon as she can. It makes Dani feel alone, but not nearly as lonely as it did when it happened with people other than Fiona, so she supposes that must mean something. Fiona would never leave Dani hanging, but once they’re done she’s giggly and warm and completely incapable of resisting sleep, and Dani can’t think about why it’s so much cuter on her than it ever has been on anyone else. It’s too much - she knows this thing about Fiona now that only a handful of other people know. She’s touchy, adorably sleepy after sex. She likes to cuddle. It doesn’t make her skin crawl; she isn’t left feeling raw and hollowed out every time. These are not things, Dani has learned, that Fiona experiences. She seems sad when Dani talks about it, so she leaves it unsaid now, but she never stops thinking about it. 

Dani’s been laying here for a while, staring up at the glow in the dark star stickers on Fiona’s ceiling. She’s pulled her underwear back on but nothing else; somehow it’s too scary for her to fall asleep naked next to Fiona but mostly naked is okay. She doesn’t really know why the distinction matters, but it does. She’s clinging to every little line she has left; Fiona’s been dissolving them one by one since they met and it’s terrifying. Fiona herself is obviously still naked but Dani’s pulled the duvet up over her; it’s cold in Fiona’s shitty flat and she doesn’t want Fiona to wake up cold. Dani’s been staring at the stars and thinking that she knows this flat, this bed even, better than she knows her room at the university.

She feels like something is rising up inside of her. It reminds her of being at the beach as a kid, watching the waves swell up until they could almost overtake her if she was actually in the water. The fear isn’t unbearable, but maybe it makes her a little bit unbearable - she’s not blind to the way Fiona looks at her, sometimes, when she’s quick to dial whatever they’ve got back to friendship. There’s no real going back, obviously. That doesn’t stop the urge she sometimes has to do it anyway. Whatever is happening to her - this crisis she’s dealing with, this thing that’s making her feel things she’s never felt before - it’s starting to seem like it might drown her. Or at least part of her. 

It can’t just be a sex thing, she thinks. She’s fucked plenty of girls; in closets at parties, in tents at music festivals, in the woods behind the school. She’s fucked boys at all of those places too, with varying results. Dani wasn’t known for being picky back home; she’s not embarrassed anymore, not the way she was when she was still in school. She's tried to figure this out the only way she knows how, but it never got any less confusing. It’s always been quick and shameful and something she’s never allowed herself to take seriously. 

But with Fiona it’s different. She can’t rush it with her. She’s tried; Fiona just has this way of breaking her down so thoroughly. It’s like before she knows it, her body isn’t hers anymore, it’s Fiona’s to do with what she will. She doesn’t even remember when she started trusting Fiona like that. It’s it’s own kind of bliss, but it hasn’t gotten any less scary: the way Fiona can just do that, make her feel like that. It’s - overwhelming. It’s amazing. 

She rolls over, staring at Fiona. The curtains have been pulled back just enough to let a strip of moonlight fall across her pillow, and she can make out a freckle above Fiona’s eyebrow; it’s usually covered by her fringe. She wants to reach out and touch it. She wants to reach out and trace the line of Fiona’s jaw, press a kiss to the sharpness of her cheekbone.

She gets up instead, pulls her clothes on and grabs her key. She leaves her phone on the bedside table, so that Fiona will know she’s coming back, and walks out of the flat, hands in her pockets. The cold, fresh air helps a bit, but it doesn’t leave her any less wanting or any less scared. She takes deep breaths as she walks, staring up at the stars.

**Author's Note:**

> title from 3 rounds and a sound by blind pilot.
> 
> this is a little sequel/companion piece to my other fic, hear the hum. maybe check her out too?
> 
> find me on tumblr @ irrationalqueer.


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